


so i won't lose myself

by yoonbot (iverins)



Category: GOT7
Genre: Canon, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 06:56:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5733880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iverins/pseuds/yoonbot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things Jaebum only talks about with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	so i won't lose myself

**Author's Note:**

> originally written at the [JYP Nation Comment Ficathon](http://naladot.livejournal.com/19736.html) to this prompt: [x](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CWQaELsVAAAy1Dx.jpg)

The first time Jaebum says it is when they're eighteen. His hair is blond and he's kicking around furniture in their dorm at one in the morning and it wakes Jinyoung up from where he fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV. It's still on, casting ghostly glares over him and Jaebum.   
  
Jaebum doesn't notice that Jinyoung's awake, or if he does, he doesn't care. In between spitting foul words, it comes out - _I wish I was popular, then everything would be better, wouldn't have to perform in front of fuckers who don't even smile, they don't give a fucking shit, then I wouldn't have to take care of everything, of us, why can't I just have some peace and quiet these days, I'm so fucking tired of this_ \- and Jinyoung can't find it in himself to interrupt him. Doesn't even want to correct him or say _I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much_ because it's not the truth. He and Jaebum hadn't even been that close before JJ Project and suddenly spending twenty-four hours, seven days a week together with little to no sleep flared up Jinyoung's moods, and it forced Jaebum to pound on locked doors demanding _Jinyoung, please come out. Jinyoung_ in a half-exasperated, half-annoyed tone more often than not. Jinyoung knew he was the burden between them two - knew that Jaebum knew it, too, but never said it to Jinyoung's face - and even though he still wasn't now, not intentionally, at least, it still hits someplace close to Jinyoung's heart and makes him feel the pressure of tears threatening to leak out of his eyes.   
  
So he just stares, unmoving, as Jaebum keeps destroying things. Hears him punch the wall near the tiny kitchen four times. Five times. Heavy breathing. Collapsing back down onto the ground.   
  
Closes his eyes when Jaebum finally picks himself up again. The brightness of the TV screen behind his lids finally goes dark, the blanket that was slipping off his stomach gets tucked back beneath his chin. The place where Jaebum's fingers accidently graze his cheek tingles.  
  
Only after he hears Jaebum's footsteps retreat into their small bedroom does Jinyoung let himself cry.  
  
  
  


 

 

 

The next time he hears Jaebum say it, it's 2013. His hair is black now and he's tapping his fingers against this loose page in his script and it makes the most irritating noise ever, especially when Jinyoung's in the middle of trying to memorize his lines. He knows better now, to not snap at Jaebum about it, that Jaebum would rather be behind that camera than in front of it, so he just grits his teeth and bears with it. Jinyoung's been doing that a lot these days.  
  
Jaebum sighs, wistfully. "I wish I was popular," he says, not looking at Jinyoung, or at his script, or at anything, really. This time, it encompasses the unsaid things between them that they'd been thinking about bringing up for months rather than anger.  
  
Maybe if they'd succeeded more, if Jinyoung pushed himself more during those performances, if Jaebum was a little more charming, if they were both more handsome, more unique, just _something_ more than they were, they wouldn't be training still. Maybe they'd be promoting their next single, trying their best to be entertaining on variety shows, heck, maybe even recording an album. Instead, they were sitting on a practice room floor, scripts that they didn't care much for in their hands, thinking of the could've been but never will be.  
  
Jinyoung doesn't know what to say, if he even needs to say anything in response. All that comes to mind are the thoughts _we weren't good enough, we failed_ , and the unreadable expression on Jaebum's face makes him nervous about going there.  
  
In the end, he laughs humorlessly. "Yeah," he says. Jaebum's looking at him now. "Me too."  
  
And they get each other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaebum's crying the third time he says it. Youngjae comes to him as he's brushing his teeth, eyes closing, whining _Jaebum hyung locked the door to our room and I wouldn't mind but my pajamas are in there and he won't let me in and it's been thirty minutes, help me, hyung_ so Jinyoung spits out his toothpaste, hands Youngjae a pair of his pajama pants, and knocks on the door to Jaebum's room.  
  
Jaebum opens the door for him immediately and closes it as soon as Jinyoung's inside. He goes back to where he'd been sitting before, cross-legged, and pulls his headphones over his ears. The music's so loud that Jinyoung can hear the tiny voices and instruments from where he's sitting, all the way across the room from Jaebum.   
  
He knows what Jaebum's thinking from the stormy look on his face, his eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to drown himself in the music he's listening to. Three promotions in one year, whatever fame they had as JJ Project tacked on, even the company name pushing them along and _we're still not getting anywhere, why are we not getting anywhere, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough_. Jinyoung watches as Jaebum presses his lips together, swallowing before the sob escapes his throat and it's the most gut-wrenching sound Jinyoung's ever heard.   
  
"Hey," he says softly, walking over and sitting next to Jaebum. "It's okay." Leans Jaebum's head against his shoulder. "It's okay."  
  
Jaebum lets out another watery breath. Jinyoung can feel his tears leaking onto the sleeve of his shirt. He breathes again, shakily, collecting himself, before he says anything. Jinyoung waits, staring at the spot where Youngjae scraped his shoe on the wall.  
  
"I wish we were," he swallows, and another watery breath surfaces, "popular, Jinyoung."   
  
Jinyoung circles an arm around Jaebum's shoulders. Jaebum, who woke him up for school when he could barely keep his own eyes open, who made sure Jinyoung was right behind him when they were walking through huge crowds, who pounded on the other side of locked doors saying _Jinyoung, please come out, Jinyoung_ when Jinyoung didn't want to deal with the world. The Jaebum that Jinyoung was nervous promoting with because _why isn't it Wonpil, I don't know Jaebum_. The Jaebum that smiles in place of getting angry now, that has more members than just Jinyoung to take care of, that doesn't take care of him that much anymore because he knows Jinyoung can take care of himself, that sometimes needs Jinyoung to take care of him instead because they've been through everything together and because he still doesn't think he's good enough, whatever he thinks that means.   
  
Jinyoung doesn't know how to tell him that he is and that he's always been in words that Jaebum will believe, so he takes off Jaebum's headphones and lets him cry on his shoulder, saying a vague, "But we will be," in their place.   
  
And he smiles at Jaebum.

 

 


End file.
